We Have to Make it Right

I do not understand any of this.  How do we live in a world where racism and sexism and denial of basic human rights are still prevalent?  How do we live in a world where killings and murders and terror attacks are frequent all over the globe? How is it that in the year 2016, after a history of repeated violence, after thousands of years of war and genocide and rape, human beings as a whole have not changed? It is deeply saddening and overall confusing.  It all blows my mind.  Rapists are not being punished.  Terrorists are increasingly attacking. Fights about race are ever present.  Don't get me started on how, during all of this, there's a good chance that the American government might be run by a hypocritical racist with no governmental experience in need of a mental checkup.

Please, don't stop having strong opinions.  Don't stop following your dreams and standing up for what you believe in because that is one aspect that makes America great and how major change comes about.  But when those views and actions cause inexcusable attacks and put the lives of the public in danger, a line must be drawn.  I realize it only takes one person to cause such pain and damage.  However, on that same note, it only takes one person and a small act of kindness to get the positivity ball rolling.

History repeats itself folks.  Religious war and civil rights being common themes.  It's about time we set a new course.  No, I do not have a solution or a plan.  I'm not sure what I, a young twenty-something who is unsure of where his life is headed, can do about all this but it is seriously mind-boggling and upsetting.  If my heart is hurting and I'm here questioning this with the mindset for positive change, as I know millions of others are as well, why are these problems still in existence? We as a society need to find the answer and find the solution.  All of it has gone on for long enough.  We can not change the past nor just sit and 'hope for the best'.  We have to write the future how it should become.  We have the make it right.  Somehow.   

'Euology' of Feelings

It's only been twelve days.  Twelve days without you here.  Twelve days full of fog and emotion.  It has been beyond surreal. Unreal.  It hasn't truly hit me and I'm unsure if that is good or bad.  Reality seems to suck now.  All of the silly drama from day to day is even more intolerable.  All of the hugs and love coming our way are great.  All of the statements of 'Please let me know if you need anything' seem sincere but are kind of empty comments.  What I need is you.  What I need is your hug.  I need to see your smile. I crave it more than anything I ever have.  Knowing that it's unobtainable is heart wrenching.  That's life I guess.. full of unexpected and painful things that we all must experience & push through.. Cheers to you dad.  Forever & always on my mind. Eternally in my heart.

The Big ‘C’

We all know what it stands for.  We all know how devastating it can be.  It starts off being daunting and paralyzing.  It grows into something that takes over.  It takes over physically, mentally, thoroughly.  The ever growing nightmare.  The seemingly never ending battle.  Hope grows and good vibes grow.  However, the uncertainty is always there.  All the what if’s and how’s come to the forefront.  It’ll be ok.  It’ll pass.  We’ll step over this enormous hurtle and come over stronger on the other side.  Thoughts that help us to push forward.  Unknowing at the time that the other side would be missing the only thing we were fighting for.  The puzzle piece to our lives now lost forever.  That missing piece forever creating a hole in our hearts.  As the days grow into weeks that grow into months growing into years, that hole may grow closed with scar tissue.  An everlasting reminder of this time.  It’s a time of loss and fear.  Now, the big ‘c’ can take on new meaning.  We realize that the missing puzzle piece in our lives turns this horrible big ‘c’ into courage, care, communication, compassion.  Making each and every one of us feel lucky.  Lucky to be here able to experience life.  We are able to experience the emotions and joys and amazing things still yet to come.  We need to feel grateful; grateful to have known a truly amazing soul. A soul that was completely selfless.  A soul that would reach into your heart, giving it a huge bear hug until you could no longer breath.  A soul whose smile was beyond words. And when words were present, usually in the form of a corny half funny joke or sentimental story that brought tears to his eyes you knew you were in the presence of greatness.  The hugs and smiles, jokes and stories drew emotions from every person around.  A feeling of contentment and happiness were ever present.  These are the things we need to remember.  They’ll be the things to cherish.  They’ll be the things to help mend our broken hearts.   

 I always knew I had a great dad. Taking us on camping trips and bowling nights.  Becoming a constant chauffer for us and our friends without a complaint.  I always knew he was proud of us.  Bragging to everyone he knew about our accomplishments as much as he could.  I always knew I had his love and support.  Hearing from others how, we, his children were his greatest treasure, motivation, sense of pride, and sole reason for doing all he did makes me feel humble and amazed.  It wasn’t until now that I realized just how much he had touched every person around him.  Hearing stories from friends and family has opened my eyes even further to see how truly amazing he was.  He was amazing in a subtle way. A gentle soul.  He wasn’t outspoken or outrageous.  He didn’t know the word no. He wasn’t outgoing and he wasn’t the life of the party.  But he was the rock.  The person who was needed.  Although, when the Mets scored a run, he became the loudest person around.  You’d hear him from miles away.  Startled by the loudest cheer & clap you’ve ever heard.

Realizing that all of my friends see him as their second dad is inspiring.  All of his friends seeing him as a wonderful spirit brings me happiness.  The great man.  The man who brought comfort and care.  We’re all here to celebrate how awesome he was.  We’re here to celebrate how awesome he made us feel.  We’re all here together.  Together we will all break through this wall of sadness, and with his soul on our shoulders, we will be stronger on the other side. 

I'm The Guy

THE GUY. The one who is always there for a friend in need.  A shoulder to cry on.  A hand to hold.  The one who people are drawn to for a listening ear.  I'm also the guy who faces many tissues alone.  Fighting my own thoughts & internal battles by myself. Still, a guy who would do anything to make another smile.  Do everything I can to diminish a problem, mediate in a time of stress, alleviate emotional trauma.  Dump it all on me.  I welcome it.  If it means helping someone's happiness, lay that shit on me.  I am much stronger than I look ;)

THE GUY all friends go to for advice on relationships, life, job stress, romance, family problems, friendship issues, drama galore, clothing recommendations, hair consultations and I LOVE it.  I cherish the fact that I can have even a small impact on someone's life.  That could mean getting their mind off of a serious topic, a guy, a girl, a blouse.  Helping them to make an important decision.  Forcing them to analyze their emotions and reach deep.  Making them laugh until they cry.  Making them cry until they laugh.  This makes life worth living. 

I am THE GUY who can not make a relationship last more than a few months, no life of romance, I don't have a perfect sense of who I am by far, no such thing as a life without problems.  But do people realize that? I give solid advice whole heartedly yet there's a sense of uncertainty on my end.  Do others realize that, I too, need that hand, that shoulder, that ear on occasion?

Recently more than ever,  I'm the guy to be the mediator.  Trying to diminish small fires before they engulf a family.  I'm the guy with a wide smile in the situation of overwhelming frustration.  Trying to enlighten & brighten with sunshine and rainbows.  I'm the one with the seat belt on in the car for hours with ears & heart wide open. Trying to take away that emotional burden and crush it beneath my tires if that means helping you to drive forward.

This guy does not want recognition.  Not looking for a pat on the back. No.  I don't want to be rewarded for kindness or generosity.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  In life,  showing you care requires action.  The presence of love needs to be shown.  A smile, a thank you, a hug.  They all can do wonders.

'Hey you ok?.. you were very quiet today' 

Such a simple yet powerful text.  It brought unexpected tears to my eyes.  No one has really asked how I am in the recent months.  I know I'm the guy to internalize.  I hold in my emotions causing holes in my heart.  I let the stresses form ulcers in my stomach.  It felt nice to have someone notice that maybe I'm not ok.  My guard is falling and maybe that's not such a bad thing. 

Hey you ok?  Ya know, no, I'm not.  But that in itself is ok.  I'm the guy.  The one who will get through all of this with a smile on his face... just wondering if there might be a shoulder waiting for my head to fall when the weight becomes too heavy. 

Cawffee Tawk Ventin'

As it's been quite some time since my last post, I'm unsure of where to begin.  It feels like I was just venting about life going into 2014 thinking about how reality was starting to kick my ass when now we are heading into 2016.  The same feeling exists with varying extremes.  Instead of feeling like life is kicking me in the tush, an overwhelming emotion of the year has been gratefulness.  Events and situations have been thrown on me that made me realize how special and important and altogether too short life can be. 

As I sit here sipping from my #cawffee mug (best gift of the year) thinking about the past few years, I am easily overwhelmed.  It has been quite a year to say the least.  Stretching back to almost two years ago, this roller coaster ride has had it's many ups & downs, twists & turns, abrupt stops and full blast adrenaline pumping shots forward.  Emotions running wild.  Feelings of confusion, happiness, insecurity, growth, loneliness, and love all coming to the forefront competing for their chance in the spotlight on the stage which is my life.  At times feeling consistently stuck & longing for something of which I am unsure.  Other times I sit feeling content & happy with those who surround me.  The mind is a funny thing.  It can be used as a tool to propel yourself in any direction you choose.  It can also be the deadbolt in place keeping you suppressed in ways you can't describe.  Whether those reasons holding you back are tangible, mental, or self imposed the mind is the greatest battle field of all. 

I've come to realize that life is unexplainable & unexpected and we are all very much unprepared for what is has in store.  As many of us twenty-somethings and beyond are in search of our happiness, life can seem cruel and unfair.  Hello, here's an obstacle for you to jump over.  Oh wait, now you can be happy for just one second.  Time's up, let me beat you down once more.  Ok, you're good to go on your merry way.  Just kidding, here's another wrench to unscrew the nuts & bolts you've worked hard to put in place for your life plans. 

I certainly am not solely speaking for myself.  This is a constant in many lives. This is also only looking at one perspective of negativity in life.  Is it not the negative aspects that make us appreciate all the positive? We may learn from the mistakes and hard times.  They may be the reason why we can enjoy and cherish the good.  Analyzing such things is enough to drive anyone mad.  Such is life I suppose.  Though focusing on the positive can be truly trying and exhausting.

Aiming to look past a death in ones family.  Trying to figure out the next best step for you & your family.  A diagnosis that feels like a stab to the heart.  The loss of a friend feels like a punch to the face.  A break-up that feels like a knee to the groin.  All adding bruises that stay beneath the service and, however unlikely, push you forward. 

As 2016 quickly approaches, I've realized that however unintentional, I have grown as a person.  Truly grateful to have met or just interacted with various people who have opened my eyes. 

Friends who've had successful relationships and goals obtained.  Friends who have been struggling to find their niche.  Helping each other to take the next step even if small.  Feeling secretly jealous of best friends getting married and having children all while being tremendously overjoyed for them.  Such events throw loneliness in my face while at the same time give me hope. 

People who you spend most of your time with throughout the day showing you the kind of person or life you'd like to achieve one day.  Or not.  Giving you different perspectives and ways to approach life.  

Multiple, yet brief, relationships have taught me what I want and what I'm not willing to compromise on.  They've taught me that I am special and unique.  I am caring & kind.  I shouldn't change my goals or beliefs to feel 'normal' whatever that may mean.  These romantic (or far from it) situations have also opened me up to expressing my true self.  They have opened me up to my family in ways I didn't plan.  They have also made me somewhat more comfortable in my own skin (it's a slow process in this area).  Being seen by many as sexually confused, that abnormal guy who hasn't been in a serious relationship, they were always questioning if I'm gay or straight or asexual.  Yes, that has been said.  Hurtful comments only adding to my confusion growing up.  Recently realizing the fluidity of love is where it's strength lies. Love for yourself is key.  Love for another is selfless & amazing.  Family member or friend.  Acquaintance or familiar face. Boy or Girl.  Love is love.  I'm just me. 

2014 is comin' up fast

Apparently, I'm no longer good at keeping up at writing new posts. My excuse is that life has taken over and the monotonous reality of adult life is all too consuming.  Sadly,  that is the case for most people my age which is something I'm beginning to realize.  Just graduating from college, finding a new job, paying bills & student loans, trying to find your purpose in life are all issues on the minds of many. The focus of many twenty-somethings boils down to soul searching.  Searching for the job that speaks to you, searching for true love, searching for what to do next.  People always say that your twenties are the best years of your life..  That thought has yet to cross my mind. 

No, these years have not been horrible.  No, nothing negative has happened.  No, I really have nothing to complain about. 

My quarter-life-crisis-thought-process has taken over and the realization that my friends and I are growing older is hitting me.  My self-consciousness and self ridicule are going strong. 
 
Let's break it down..  I've done the math (very loosely):  9 out of 10 of my friends is in a relationship.  5 out of 10 of those is in a serious relationship. 3 out of 10 are engaged. Here I am, my lonely single self - the 1 out of 10, typing up a blog post while a friend texts me that she is engaged.  For serious.  Literally best & most ironic timing in the world.

As I sit here and type this post about being lonely & semi depressed, I start to question why.  There is no reason to wonder why I'm the only one of my friends who is single.  No reason to question my life and purpose.  No reason to think that there is something wrong.  I am a successful 24 year old, with a roof over my head, a job in New York City, with loving friends & family and am the sole reason for the pressure I'm feeling.  It is all in my head.  (Something I am still learning and repeating to myself).

It's time to focus on the blessings and less on the what-ifs.  Life is full of what-ifs and infinite possibilities.  Not all people are lucky enough to have the simple blessings that most people take for granted.  That is the moral of todays worries. Spread happiness & positivity and stop questioning silly little things. 

That is my cheesy, semi-depressing, semi-positive seeking rant for today. At this point, My Life After Copenhagen is all over the map :)   

My Life Now... Positive Craziness

I haven't created a new blog post in over half a year! that's craziness.  It's been a rough few months searching for jobs, going on interviews, worrying about life, and being anxious about what will come next.  Fortunately, things are starting to get better.  What should I start talking about? A lot has happened since my last post.  I've spent countless hours searching for job posts online.  I spent full days sending out resumes.  I've had numerous nights of sleeplessness.  I gave almost 2 months of my life to retail..  My days were becoming a blur.  The occasional interview that popped up added a bit of nervous excitement.  Soon enough, I put an ad up on a website to try to gain some sort of attention from job seekers or clients and with the holiday season among us, I took a break from the job search.  I was losing hope.  

8 weeks ago, someone responded to my ad.  It was a man who was buying a home that he wants to design.  Can you believe it? He contacted me to redesign his home! while this may or may not happen, it made my heart skip a beat.  We e-mailed back and forth and concluded that he would contact me in January after closing.  Craziness! 

4 weeks ago, another person responded to my ad.  It was a man who owns a design studio in the city who was looking for an assistant.  He was interested in me? This was certainly a boost in my confidence because he found me.  We set up an interview a couple weeks ago and.... I GOT THE JOB! and I start next week... super craziness!

1 week ago, yet another person responded to my ad.  It was a woman who wants to redesign her apartment in the city and she was interested in learning more about me and my style.  Seriously? 3 people in 2 months who are interested in me and what I can do.  While she hasn't emailed me back, things are definately looking better. 

Ok, now it sort of sounding like I am bragging.  My bad.  I'm kind of happy right now :)

My Life After Copenhagen... Full of Ups & Downs

It has been a long time since my last post and so much has happened.  While not much of it was planned nor wanted, it was unavoidable.  Like I have said before, I am not very good when it comes to change. Since my last post, life has been a literal roller coaster ride, one that I did not voluntarily jump on to.  We have lost the two most important people in the family, the glue as some would say.  Although the wakes and funerals and awkward family moments were rough, things started to look a bit brighter.  I finally graduated from that torturous place called Pratt Institute with honors and everyone seemed to be slowly getting back on track.  Within the past 6 months, things have happened that I never thought would have... let alone within half a year.  Now it's time to redo the house, move things around, search for a job, go on interviews, suck up to possible employers, and deal with normal family drama.  While I know I'm sounding depressed and annoyed, things have been frustrating.  I just have to keep telling myself that I am lucky.  I have everything I need.  However, right now it's like the roller coaster has gotten stuck at the bottom waiting for a repair.  Ok, that is a bit dramatic, but I've been sitting on my couch for weeks watching ghost whisperer re-runs while getting lost in a search for a job on craigslist.  Both of which I've lost sleep over.  So, being a bored design student, my house is slowly getting a makeover.  I painted my room, found furniture in someones garbage, bought bedding, painted the living room, and hauled furniture in and out.  While my body is a bit soar, my wallet a bit empty and the house a bit nicer... boredom still finds its way in.  As I sit here in the redesigned living room with my feet up on my mom's new coffee table, I wonder if I'll ever find a job, if I'll ever move out, if I'll ever stop worrying.  Then those thoughts are interupted when I hear my dog snoring beneath my legs and I think... at least I'm not as bored as her.... sigh...I'm comparing my life to that of my dog.