We Have to Make it Right

I do not understand any of this.  How do we live in a world where racism and sexism and denial of basic human rights are still prevalent?  How do we live in a world where killings and murders and terror attacks are frequent all over the globe? How is it that in the year 2016, after a history of repeated violence, after thousands of years of war and genocide and rape, human beings as a whole have not changed? It is deeply saddening and overall confusing.  It all blows my mind.  Rapists are not being punished.  Terrorists are increasingly attacking. Fights about race are ever present.  Don't get me started on how, during all of this, there's a good chance that the American government might be run by a hypocritical racist with no governmental experience in need of a mental checkup.

Please, don't stop having strong opinions.  Don't stop following your dreams and standing up for what you believe in because that is one aspect that makes America great and how major change comes about.  But when those views and actions cause inexcusable attacks and put the lives of the public in danger, a line must be drawn.  I realize it only takes one person to cause such pain and damage.  However, on that same note, it only takes one person and a small act of kindness to get the positivity ball rolling.

History repeats itself folks.  Religious war and civil rights being common themes.  It's about time we set a new course.  No, I do not have a solution or a plan.  I'm not sure what I, a young twenty-something who is unsure of where his life is headed, can do about all this but it is seriously mind-boggling and upsetting.  If my heart is hurting and I'm here questioning this with the mindset for positive change, as I know millions of others are as well, why are these problems still in existence? We as a society need to find the answer and find the solution.  All of it has gone on for long enough.  We can not change the past nor just sit and 'hope for the best'.  We have to write the future how it should become.  We have the make it right.  Somehow.   

'Euology' of Feelings

It's only been twelve days.  Twelve days without you here.  Twelve days full of fog and emotion.  It has been beyond surreal. Unreal.  It hasn't truly hit me and I'm unsure if that is good or bad.  Reality seems to suck now.  All of the silly drama from day to day is even more intolerable.  All of the hugs and love coming our way are great.  All of the statements of 'Please let me know if you need anything' seem sincere but are kind of empty comments.  What I need is you.  What I need is your hug.  I need to see your smile. I crave it more than anything I ever have.  Knowing that it's unobtainable is heart wrenching.  That's life I guess.. full of unexpected and painful things that we all must experience & push through.. Cheers to you dad.  Forever & always on my mind. Eternally in my heart.

The Big ‘C’

We all know what it stands for.  We all know how devastating it can be.  It starts off being daunting and paralyzing.  It grows into something that takes over.  It takes over physically, mentally, thoroughly.  The ever growing nightmare.  The seemingly never ending battle.  Hope grows and good vibes grow.  However, the uncertainty is always there.  All the what if’s and how’s come to the forefront.  It’ll be ok.  It’ll pass.  We’ll step over this enormous hurtle and come over stronger on the other side.  Thoughts that help us to push forward.  Unknowing at the time that the other side would be missing the only thing we were fighting for.  The puzzle piece to our lives now lost forever.  That missing piece forever creating a hole in our hearts.  As the days grow into weeks that grow into months growing into years, that hole may grow closed with scar tissue.  An everlasting reminder of this time.  It’s a time of loss and fear.  Now, the big ‘c’ can take on new meaning.  We realize that the missing puzzle piece in our lives turns this horrible big ‘c’ into courage, care, communication, compassion.  Making each and every one of us feel lucky.  Lucky to be here able to experience life.  We are able to experience the emotions and joys and amazing things still yet to come.  We need to feel grateful; grateful to have known a truly amazing soul. A soul that was completely selfless.  A soul that would reach into your heart, giving it a huge bear hug until you could no longer breath.  A soul whose smile was beyond words. And when words were present, usually in the form of a corny half funny joke or sentimental story that brought tears to his eyes you knew you were in the presence of greatness.  The hugs and smiles, jokes and stories drew emotions from every person around.  A feeling of contentment and happiness were ever present.  These are the things we need to remember.  They’ll be the things to cherish.  They’ll be the things to help mend our broken hearts.   

 I always knew I had a great dad. Taking us on camping trips and bowling nights.  Becoming a constant chauffer for us and our friends without a complaint.  I always knew he was proud of us.  Bragging to everyone he knew about our accomplishments as much as he could.  I always knew I had his love and support.  Hearing from others how, we, his children were his greatest treasure, motivation, sense of pride, and sole reason for doing all he did makes me feel humble and amazed.  It wasn’t until now that I realized just how much he had touched every person around him.  Hearing stories from friends and family has opened my eyes even further to see how truly amazing he was.  He was amazing in a subtle way. A gentle soul.  He wasn’t outspoken or outrageous.  He didn’t know the word no. He wasn’t outgoing and he wasn’t the life of the party.  But he was the rock.  The person who was needed.  Although, when the Mets scored a run, he became the loudest person around.  You’d hear him from miles away.  Startled by the loudest cheer & clap you’ve ever heard.

Realizing that all of my friends see him as their second dad is inspiring.  All of his friends seeing him as a wonderful spirit brings me happiness.  The great man.  The man who brought comfort and care.  We’re all here to celebrate how awesome he was.  We’re here to celebrate how awesome he made us feel.  We’re all here together.  Together we will all break through this wall of sadness, and with his soul on our shoulders, we will be stronger on the other side. 

I'm The Guy

THE GUY. The one who is always there for a friend in need.  A shoulder to cry on.  A hand to hold.  The one who people are drawn to for a listening ear.  I'm also the guy who faces many tissues alone.  Fighting my own thoughts & internal battles by myself. Still, a guy who would do anything to make another smile.  Do everything I can to diminish a problem, mediate in a time of stress, alleviate emotional trauma.  Dump it all on me.  I welcome it.  If it means helping someone's happiness, lay that shit on me.  I am much stronger than I look ;)

THE GUY all friends go to for advice on relationships, life, job stress, romance, family problems, friendship issues, drama galore, clothing recommendations, hair consultations and I LOVE it.  I cherish the fact that I can have even a small impact on someone's life.  That could mean getting their mind off of a serious topic, a guy, a girl, a blouse.  Helping them to make an important decision.  Forcing them to analyze their emotions and reach deep.  Making them laugh until they cry.  Making them cry until they laugh.  This makes life worth living. 

I am THE GUY who can not make a relationship last more than a few months, no life of romance, I don't have a perfect sense of who I am by far, no such thing as a life without problems.  But do people realize that? I give solid advice whole heartedly yet there's a sense of uncertainty on my end.  Do others realize that, I too, need that hand, that shoulder, that ear on occasion?

Recently more than ever,  I'm the guy to be the mediator.  Trying to diminish small fires before they engulf a family.  I'm the guy with a wide smile in the situation of overwhelming frustration.  Trying to enlighten & brighten with sunshine and rainbows.  I'm the one with the seat belt on in the car for hours with ears & heart wide open. Trying to take away that emotional burden and crush it beneath my tires if that means helping you to drive forward.

This guy does not want recognition.  Not looking for a pat on the back. No.  I don't want to be rewarded for kindness or generosity.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  In life,  showing you care requires action.  The presence of love needs to be shown.  A smile, a thank you, a hug.  They all can do wonders.

'Hey you ok?.. you were very quiet today' 

Such a simple yet powerful text.  It brought unexpected tears to my eyes.  No one has really asked how I am in the recent months.  I know I'm the guy to internalize.  I hold in my emotions causing holes in my heart.  I let the stresses form ulcers in my stomach.  It felt nice to have someone notice that maybe I'm not ok.  My guard is falling and maybe that's not such a bad thing. 

Hey you ok?  Ya know, no, I'm not.  But that in itself is ok.  I'm the guy.  The one who will get through all of this with a smile on his face... just wondering if there might be a shoulder waiting for my head to fall when the weight becomes too heavy.