'Euology' of Feelings

It's only been twelve days.  Twelve days without you here.  Twelve days full of fog and emotion.  It has been beyond surreal. Unreal.  It hasn't truly hit me and I'm unsure if that is good or bad.  Reality seems to suck now.  All of the silly drama from day to day is even more intolerable.  All of the hugs and love coming our way are great.  All of the statements of 'Please let me know if you need anything' seem sincere but are kind of empty comments.  What I need is you.  What I need is your hug.  I need to see your smile. I crave it more than anything I ever have.  Knowing that it's unobtainable is heart wrenching.  That's life I guess.. full of unexpected and painful things that we all must experience & push through.. Cheers to you dad.  Forever & always on my mind. Eternally in my heart.

The Big ‘C’

We all know what it stands for.  We all know how devastating it can be.  It starts off being daunting and paralyzing.  It grows into something that takes over.  It takes over physically, mentally, thoroughly.  The ever growing nightmare.  The seemingly never ending battle.  Hope grows and good vibes grow.  However, the uncertainty is always there.  All the what if’s and how’s come to the forefront.  It’ll be ok.  It’ll pass.  We’ll step over this enormous hurtle and come over stronger on the other side.  Thoughts that help us to push forward.  Unknowing at the time that the other side would be missing the only thing we were fighting for.  The puzzle piece to our lives now lost forever.  That missing piece forever creating a hole in our hearts.  As the days grow into weeks that grow into months growing into years, that hole may grow closed with scar tissue.  An everlasting reminder of this time.  It’s a time of loss and fear.  Now, the big ‘c’ can take on new meaning.  We realize that the missing puzzle piece in our lives turns this horrible big ‘c’ into courage, care, communication, compassion.  Making each and every one of us feel lucky.  Lucky to be here able to experience life.  We are able to experience the emotions and joys and amazing things still yet to come.  We need to feel grateful; grateful to have known a truly amazing soul. A soul that was completely selfless.  A soul that would reach into your heart, giving it a huge bear hug until you could no longer breath.  A soul whose smile was beyond words. And when words were present, usually in the form of a corny half funny joke or sentimental story that brought tears to his eyes you knew you were in the presence of greatness.  The hugs and smiles, jokes and stories drew emotions from every person around.  A feeling of contentment and happiness were ever present.  These are the things we need to remember.  They’ll be the things to cherish.  They’ll be the things to help mend our broken hearts.   

 I always knew I had a great dad. Taking us on camping trips and bowling nights.  Becoming a constant chauffer for us and our friends without a complaint.  I always knew he was proud of us.  Bragging to everyone he knew about our accomplishments as much as he could.  I always knew I had his love and support.  Hearing from others how, we, his children were his greatest treasure, motivation, sense of pride, and sole reason for doing all he did makes me feel humble and amazed.  It wasn’t until now that I realized just how much he had touched every person around him.  Hearing stories from friends and family has opened my eyes even further to see how truly amazing he was.  He was amazing in a subtle way. A gentle soul.  He wasn’t outspoken or outrageous.  He didn’t know the word no. He wasn’t outgoing and he wasn’t the life of the party.  But he was the rock.  The person who was needed.  Although, when the Mets scored a run, he became the loudest person around.  You’d hear him from miles away.  Startled by the loudest cheer & clap you’ve ever heard.

Realizing that all of my friends see him as their second dad is inspiring.  All of his friends seeing him as a wonderful spirit brings me happiness.  The great man.  The man who brought comfort and care.  We’re all here to celebrate how awesome he was.  We’re here to celebrate how awesome he made us feel.  We’re all here together.  Together we will all break through this wall of sadness, and with his soul on our shoulders, we will be stronger on the other side. 

Cawffee Tawk Ventin'

As it's been quite some time since my last post, I'm unsure of where to begin.  It feels like I was just venting about life going into 2014 thinking about how reality was starting to kick my ass when now we are heading into 2016.  The same feeling exists with varying extremes.  Instead of feeling like life is kicking me in the tush, an overwhelming emotion of the year has been gratefulness.  Events and situations have been thrown on me that made me realize how special and important and altogether too short life can be. 

As I sit here sipping from my #cawffee mug (best gift of the year) thinking about the past few years, I am easily overwhelmed.  It has been quite a year to say the least.  Stretching back to almost two years ago, this roller coaster ride has had it's many ups & downs, twists & turns, abrupt stops and full blast adrenaline pumping shots forward.  Emotions running wild.  Feelings of confusion, happiness, insecurity, growth, loneliness, and love all coming to the forefront competing for their chance in the spotlight on the stage which is my life.  At times feeling consistently stuck & longing for something of which I am unsure.  Other times I sit feeling content & happy with those who surround me.  The mind is a funny thing.  It can be used as a tool to propel yourself in any direction you choose.  It can also be the deadbolt in place keeping you suppressed in ways you can't describe.  Whether those reasons holding you back are tangible, mental, or self imposed the mind is the greatest battle field of all. 

I've come to realize that life is unexplainable & unexpected and we are all very much unprepared for what is has in store.  As many of us twenty-somethings and beyond are in search of our happiness, life can seem cruel and unfair.  Hello, here's an obstacle for you to jump over.  Oh wait, now you can be happy for just one second.  Time's up, let me beat you down once more.  Ok, you're good to go on your merry way.  Just kidding, here's another wrench to unscrew the nuts & bolts you've worked hard to put in place for your life plans. 

I certainly am not solely speaking for myself.  This is a constant in many lives. This is also only looking at one perspective of negativity in life.  Is it not the negative aspects that make us appreciate all the positive? We may learn from the mistakes and hard times.  They may be the reason why we can enjoy and cherish the good.  Analyzing such things is enough to drive anyone mad.  Such is life I suppose.  Though focusing on the positive can be truly trying and exhausting.

Aiming to look past a death in ones family.  Trying to figure out the next best step for you & your family.  A diagnosis that feels like a stab to the heart.  The loss of a friend feels like a punch to the face.  A break-up that feels like a knee to the groin.  All adding bruises that stay beneath the service and, however unlikely, push you forward. 

As 2016 quickly approaches, I've realized that however unintentional, I have grown as a person.  Truly grateful to have met or just interacted with various people who have opened my eyes. 

Friends who've had successful relationships and goals obtained.  Friends who have been struggling to find their niche.  Helping each other to take the next step even if small.  Feeling secretly jealous of best friends getting married and having children all while being tremendously overjoyed for them.  Such events throw loneliness in my face while at the same time give me hope. 

People who you spend most of your time with throughout the day showing you the kind of person or life you'd like to achieve one day.  Or not.  Giving you different perspectives and ways to approach life.  

Multiple, yet brief, relationships have taught me what I want and what I'm not willing to compromise on.  They've taught me that I am special and unique.  I am caring & kind.  I shouldn't change my goals or beliefs to feel 'normal' whatever that may mean.  These romantic (or far from it) situations have also opened me up to expressing my true self.  They have opened me up to my family in ways I didn't plan.  They have also made me somewhat more comfortable in my own skin (it's a slow process in this area).  Being seen by many as sexually confused, that abnormal guy who hasn't been in a serious relationship, they were always questioning if I'm gay or straight or asexual.  Yes, that has been said.  Hurtful comments only adding to my confusion growing up.  Recently realizing the fluidity of love is where it's strength lies. Love for yourself is key.  Love for another is selfless & amazing.  Family member or friend.  Acquaintance or familiar face. Boy or Girl.  Love is love.  I'm just me.