Perpetual change

This year has been all about changes.  There have changes in school regarding thesis and classes.  There have been advances in work.  There have been set backs in the family.  Some say change is good.  I hate change.  It is uncomfortable and stressful.  After the recent death in the family, I've had all the change I can handle.  However, more is to come.  Graduation is approaching fast.  Worries about the future and a career are increasing.  Family members are still ill.  I thought spring break would be relaxing.  I thought it would be a change for the better.  I was wrong.  Upon returning home, thoughts and discussions about the near future and what negative things may happen didn't boost my mood so much.  I'm not feelin so perky this week.  Not only is this week filled with homework, but it is filled with a sense of dread.  While friends are relaxing on spring break at home or at some warm beachy location, I am sitting on my bed enveloped in my thoughts.  I won't vent about our family problems but things are going to drastically change (as if they hadn't done so enough already).  The question isn't if we'll make it through, the question is how?  Thoughts are swirling through my head.  A lack of focus is paralyzing.  My mom says to take things one day at a time.  Does she know who she's talking to? I am the definition of a worry wart.  Focus on today? yeah right.  

Stonger

A death in the family is always hard to deal with.  It's hard to stay strong and hopeful.  It's hard to get through the day.  Time goes on, however, no matter how much you wish it could pause to gather your thoughts and strength.  The past few days have been the hardest ever.  Losing someone who was loved by many was made a bit easier because of that love.  In such cases, it may feel like love is lost or that love may not be enough.  But coupled with the hopes and prayers of family, as well as an encouraging smile or thought, it is exactly that love that helped everyone move forward.  While this may be depressing and saddening, that is exactly how this week has been.  It's so hard to see those you love go through so much pain.  It's hard to try to stay strong and push everyone towards the future.  Like stated in the last post, the poem about strength, the future seems paralyzing and that never felt more true.  However, we all made it through with an even stronger bond with each other.  The day's will continue to pass and the love will continue to grow.  Some looked for strength in god, some looked for strength in hope, some looked for strength in each other....I looked for strength in my grandma.  She was the heart of the family and will continue to be so.  She has made the entire family stronger and I couldn't be more grateful.  

Yesterday, the wake, while a bit awkward, was the first step forward.  The gathering of family and friends to celebrate a wonderful life was just that, a celebration.  My little cousin jonah doesn't know that my grandma has passed.  His parents told him that it was "a celebration for Grammy."  Being a curious 4 year old, he questioned it.  Upon arriving at the wake, he asked "where's Grammy?"  While we're all asking that same question in one way or another, he seemed confused.  How could we be celebrating her if she wasn't there?  His question made us choke up.  How should we asnwer that?  Since him and his sister started talking they always called baby Jesus 'baby cheez-it' because  they couldn't pronounce it.  So, his mom told him "Grammy is with baby cheez-it now."  He chuckled then stated "but I don't see baby cheez-it."  So we responded that he is everywhere.  Jonah seemed content with that answer.  An innocent mind blind to the thought of death seems almost unfair.  In some ways, we all wished we could be shielded from this event, our feelings, and the days to come; we all wanted to be that young and innocent little boy if only for a moment.  We all wanted to forget about our worries and thoughts just to be content.  In other ways, we needed to push through it and move on.  The only thing left to do is stay strong and that seems like the hardest part.