Perpetual change

This year has been all about changes.  There have changes in school regarding thesis and classes.  There have been advances in work.  There have been set backs in the family.  Some say change is good.  I hate change.  It is uncomfortable and stressful.  After the recent death in the family, I've had all the change I can handle.  However, more is to come.  Graduation is approaching fast.  Worries about the future and a career are increasing.  Family members are still ill.  I thought spring break would be relaxing.  I thought it would be a change for the better.  I was wrong.  Upon returning home, thoughts and discussions about the near future and what negative things may happen didn't boost my mood so much.  I'm not feelin so perky this week.  Not only is this week filled with homework, but it is filled with a sense of dread.  While friends are relaxing on spring break at home or at some warm beachy location, I am sitting on my bed enveloped in my thoughts.  I won't vent about our family problems but things are going to drastically change (as if they hadn't done so enough already).  The question isn't if we'll make it through, the question is how?  Thoughts are swirling through my head.  A lack of focus is paralyzing.  My mom says to take things one day at a time.  Does she know who she's talking to? I am the definition of a worry wart.  Focus on today? yeah right.  

Stonger

A death in the family is always hard to deal with.  It's hard to stay strong and hopeful.  It's hard to get through the day.  Time goes on, however, no matter how much you wish it could pause to gather your thoughts and strength.  The past few days have been the hardest ever.  Losing someone who was loved by many was made a bit easier because of that love.  In such cases, it may feel like love is lost or that love may not be enough.  But coupled with the hopes and prayers of family, as well as an encouraging smile or thought, it is exactly that love that helped everyone move forward.  While this may be depressing and saddening, that is exactly how this week has been.  It's so hard to see those you love go through so much pain.  It's hard to try to stay strong and push everyone towards the future.  Like stated in the last post, the poem about strength, the future seems paralyzing and that never felt more true.  However, we all made it through with an even stronger bond with each other.  The day's will continue to pass and the love will continue to grow.  Some looked for strength in god, some looked for strength in hope, some looked for strength in each other....I looked for strength in my grandma.  She was the heart of the family and will continue to be so.  She has made the entire family stronger and I couldn't be more grateful.  

Yesterday, the wake, while a bit awkward, was the first step forward.  The gathering of family and friends to celebrate a wonderful life was just that, a celebration.  My little cousin jonah doesn't know that my grandma has passed.  His parents told him that it was "a celebration for Grammy."  Being a curious 4 year old, he questioned it.  Upon arriving at the wake, he asked "where's Grammy?"  While we're all asking that same question in one way or another, he seemed confused.  How could we be celebrating her if she wasn't there?  His question made us choke up.  How should we asnwer that?  Since him and his sister started talking they always called baby Jesus 'baby cheez-it' because  they couldn't pronounce it.  So, his mom told him "Grammy is with baby cheez-it now."  He chuckled then stated "but I don't see baby cheez-it."  So we responded that he is everywhere.  Jonah seemed content with that answer.  An innocent mind blind to the thought of death seems almost unfair.  In some ways, we all wished we could be shielded from this event, our feelings, and the days to come; we all wanted to be that young and innocent little boy if only for a moment.  We all wanted to forget about our worries and thoughts just to be content.  In other ways, we needed to push through it and move on.  The only thing left to do is stay strong and that seems like the hardest part.           

Strength

With each passing day, it gets worse.

 With each new worry, it draws nearer.

 When will it end? When will love be the only thing we have?

The thought of it can make one sick.

The anxiety is a killer.

 Love may be powerful.

 Love may be eternal.

But love won't save the day.

With each new scary thought, the heart pounds.

With each update of news, the stomach sinks.

When will it end? Will love be enough?

The thoughts of death can make one ill.

The future seems paralyzing. 

Emotions may be strong.

Emotions may be forceful.

But emotions won't last forever.

With each hug from a family member, strength grows.

With each statement of "I love you," spirits rise.

When will it end? Will love grow stronger?

The thoughts of life are daunting. 

The days grow longer.

Love may grow.

Love may stumble.

But in the hearts of family, love will prosper.

Lazy Saturday Full of Wonder

As I sit in my room at home this weekend, there are so many thoughts flying around in my head.  Trying to come up with a few design schemes for monday is consistantly interrupted by worries.  I'm worrying about school, about my family, about time in general.  As you all should know by now, worrying is kind of my specialty.  While this weekend should be about celebration, the multiple birthday's are kind of put on the back burner while worrying about sickness is the main act.  As I've said before, there's a lot going on.  I'm trying to stay focused on the positive while attempting to focus on my work.  I'm definately not complaining about my life, I'm just contemplating what seems so unfair.  All of these recent events have made me realize how lucky I am while making me realize that worrying about the placement of walls or program spaces or transitions on a floorplan are not worth it when compared to the bigger picture.  As I sit here on my bed in a pool of trace paper and pencils, as the sun is slowly setting, I can't help but wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Should I wonder if my drawings will be enough or if my family will gain the will power to move on to another day?  There's really no competition.

Design Frustration

Analysis may be important like that of the site, program, concept, lighting, materiality, spatial transitions, etc.  The list can go on and on.  I've reached a point where I do not have a clue of what else to produce.  Diagram after diagram on board after board.  When does it end?  Should I make study models as space fillers?  I don't want to repeat anything but I feel like I don't have enough.  With the first presentation of the semester tomorrow, I hope to start off on the right foot.  The fact that I've already gotten stuck is not such a good sign.  I have my concept down.  I have a solid program.  I have a perfect site.  The only thing I'm missing is the mindset to focus and produce something.  Granted, I've went through an entire pad of trace paper creating diagrams and concept sketches but in the end only a select few seem relevant.  As the thought of presenting tomorrow ways heavy on my shoulders, I'll give you a sneak peek of what I have:

Thesis Statement:

To create new definitions of spatial transitions, mobility, and flexibility through exploring spatial outcomes and needs for the physically disabled in making a gathering activity hub for children.

Concept: 

When thinking of children, play, and activity, one thing that comes to mind is a playground.  It is a symbol of childhood play.  However, most physically disabled children can not utilize everything a playground has to offer.  So my concept is to adapt the idea of a playground and translate it into a spatial activity landscape. 

Program applied to a Playground

Playground = Activity Landscape



Sicknesss In The Air

Spring semester has begun and the workload is coming, hopefully I am prepared.  What I wasn't prepared for was the amount of loved ones who are seriously sick.  I like to believe things happen for a reason but it's hard to justify such illnesses happening to such great people.  A woman who has been hardworking and selfless her whole life shouldn't be in and out of the hospital with lung cancer.  A young woman who has her whole future ahead of her full of goals and success should be stressing about her next presentation, not about cancer.  A young girl who has the brightest personality and the most contagious laugh should be running in the playground with her friends and not having more risky surgeries in her 5 years of life than most people have in their lifetime.  It's things like these that really motivate me to seek health and happiness.  These people and what they are going through have made me realize that the little things I usually stress over are seriously not worth it.  With that being said, I am now extremely worried about them, but at least I've moved on to legitimate things to worry about.  On a lighter note, I have been going to the gym everyday this week.  I know it's somewhat surprising.  Why would a guy who looks like a string bean be going to the gym?  Well, I'm attempting to gain some muscle which is pretty hard when you have no mass to work with.  I can't even gain weight from eating a lot of food but we shall see.  At first I was hesitant to go to the gym because I felt like I would stick out against all the macho men who are the usual gym-goers.  However, it wasn't too bad.  I did stick out a bit but I got over it.  I just realized that they had to start from scratch at some point too.  It's been 4 days and I'm pretty sore.  I'm starting to see a slight change, I guess it's muscle definition and not gain but it's progress nonetheless =] 

The Start of The End

As my last semester at Pratt approaches, much faster than I wanted, a rush of emotions is coming over me.  Although I'm often worried and anxious, this feels different.  I'm nervous, full of dread, scared, and excited.  It's a mixture of many feelings that I can't avoid.  I am so ready to get out of school yet I'm not ready to head into reality.  I am dreading the 'real world' yet ready to leave the stresses of pratt behind.  I'm scared of this last semester and what it may bring, but I'm excited to finally finish.  I don't have a choice in the direct outcome of this semester let alone my entire career as a student.  My mom has always said "all you can do is your best" and that's exactly what I've done.  I've made it through 18 long years of school with so much in my brain, little in my pocket, and many in my heart.  The first day of classes for the spring semester is tomorrow which I can not believe.  It feels like winter break never began and like the holidays have yet to happen.  With worries about my classes and thesis swirling in my head, lets just add the thought of grad school into the mix.  While I thought I was approaching the end of being in school, thinking graduate school might be a waste at this point, I'm starting to reconsider.  It may be getting late to apply but we'll see.  I have no idea what I would major in or where I would go but the thoughts are now in my mind.  There are so many things to think about and worry about with school, the future, and my family.  All of these things in the mind of such a worry wart is probably not a good thing.  However, like always I'll kill some nerves and get through it.  It seems like an eternity away, but at the rate time is flying by it will be over in no time.