My Life Now... Positive Craziness

I haven't created a new blog post in over half a year! that's craziness.  It's been a rough few months searching for jobs, going on interviews, worrying about life, and being anxious about what will come next.  Fortunately, things are starting to get better.  What should I start talking about? A lot has happened since my last post.  I've spent countless hours searching for job posts online.  I spent full days sending out resumes.  I've had numerous nights of sleeplessness.  I gave almost 2 months of my life to retail..  My days were becoming a blur.  The occasional interview that popped up added a bit of nervous excitement.  Soon enough, I put an ad up on a website to try to gain some sort of attention from job seekers or clients and with the holiday season among us, I took a break from the job search.  I was losing hope.  

8 weeks ago, someone responded to my ad.  It was a man who was buying a home that he wants to design.  Can you believe it? He contacted me to redesign his home! while this may or may not happen, it made my heart skip a beat.  We e-mailed back and forth and concluded that he would contact me in January after closing.  Craziness! 

4 weeks ago, another person responded to my ad.  It was a man who owns a design studio in the city who was looking for an assistant.  He was interested in me? This was certainly a boost in my confidence because he found me.  We set up an interview a couple weeks ago and.... I GOT THE JOB! and I start next week... super craziness!

1 week ago, yet another person responded to my ad.  It was a woman who wants to redesign her apartment in the city and she was interested in learning more about me and my style.  Seriously? 3 people in 2 months who are interested in me and what I can do.  While she hasn't emailed me back, things are definately looking better. 

Ok, now it sort of sounding like I am bragging.  My bad.  I'm kind of happy right now :)

My Life After Copenhagen... Full of Ups & Downs

It has been a long time since my last post and so much has happened.  While not much of it was planned nor wanted, it was unavoidable.  Like I have said before, I am not very good when it comes to change. Since my last post, life has been a literal roller coaster ride, one that I did not voluntarily jump on to.  We have lost the two most important people in the family, the glue as some would say.  Although the wakes and funerals and awkward family moments were rough, things started to look a bit brighter.  I finally graduated from that torturous place called Pratt Institute with honors and everyone seemed to be slowly getting back on track.  Within the past 6 months, things have happened that I never thought would have... let alone within half a year.  Now it's time to redo the house, move things around, search for a job, go on interviews, suck up to possible employers, and deal with normal family drama.  While I know I'm sounding depressed and annoyed, things have been frustrating.  I just have to keep telling myself that I am lucky.  I have everything I need.  However, right now it's like the roller coaster has gotten stuck at the bottom waiting for a repair.  Ok, that is a bit dramatic, but I've been sitting on my couch for weeks watching ghost whisperer re-runs while getting lost in a search for a job on craigslist.  Both of which I've lost sleep over.  So, being a bored design student, my house is slowly getting a makeover.  I painted my room, found furniture in someones garbage, bought bedding, painted the living room, and hauled furniture in and out.  While my body is a bit soar, my wallet a bit empty and the house a bit nicer... boredom still finds its way in.  As I sit here in the redesigned living room with my feet up on my mom's new coffee table, I wonder if I'll ever find a job, if I'll ever move out, if I'll ever stop worrying.  Then those thoughts are interupted when I hear my dog snoring beneath my legs and I think... at least I'm not as bored as her.... sigh...I'm comparing my life to that of my dog.

Perpetual change

This year has been all about changes.  There have changes in school regarding thesis and classes.  There have been advances in work.  There have been set backs in the family.  Some say change is good.  I hate change.  It is uncomfortable and stressful.  After the recent death in the family, I've had all the change I can handle.  However, more is to come.  Graduation is approaching fast.  Worries about the future and a career are increasing.  Family members are still ill.  I thought spring break would be relaxing.  I thought it would be a change for the better.  I was wrong.  Upon returning home, thoughts and discussions about the near future and what negative things may happen didn't boost my mood so much.  I'm not feelin so perky this week.  Not only is this week filled with homework, but it is filled with a sense of dread.  While friends are relaxing on spring break at home or at some warm beachy location, I am sitting on my bed enveloped in my thoughts.  I won't vent about our family problems but things are going to drastically change (as if they hadn't done so enough already).  The question isn't if we'll make it through, the question is how?  Thoughts are swirling through my head.  A lack of focus is paralyzing.  My mom says to take things one day at a time.  Does she know who she's talking to? I am the definition of a worry wart.  Focus on today? yeah right.  

Stonger

A death in the family is always hard to deal with.  It's hard to stay strong and hopeful.  It's hard to get through the day.  Time goes on, however, no matter how much you wish it could pause to gather your thoughts and strength.  The past few days have been the hardest ever.  Losing someone who was loved by many was made a bit easier because of that love.  In such cases, it may feel like love is lost or that love may not be enough.  But coupled with the hopes and prayers of family, as well as an encouraging smile or thought, it is exactly that love that helped everyone move forward.  While this may be depressing and saddening, that is exactly how this week has been.  It's so hard to see those you love go through so much pain.  It's hard to try to stay strong and push everyone towards the future.  Like stated in the last post, the poem about strength, the future seems paralyzing and that never felt more true.  However, we all made it through with an even stronger bond with each other.  The day's will continue to pass and the love will continue to grow.  Some looked for strength in god, some looked for strength in hope, some looked for strength in each other....I looked for strength in my grandma.  She was the heart of the family and will continue to be so.  She has made the entire family stronger and I couldn't be more grateful.  

Yesterday, the wake, while a bit awkward, was the first step forward.  The gathering of family and friends to celebrate a wonderful life was just that, a celebration.  My little cousin jonah doesn't know that my grandma has passed.  His parents told him that it was "a celebration for Grammy."  Being a curious 4 year old, he questioned it.  Upon arriving at the wake, he asked "where's Grammy?"  While we're all asking that same question in one way or another, he seemed confused.  How could we be celebrating her if she wasn't there?  His question made us choke up.  How should we asnwer that?  Since him and his sister started talking they always called baby Jesus 'baby cheez-it' because  they couldn't pronounce it.  So, his mom told him "Grammy is with baby cheez-it now."  He chuckled then stated "but I don't see baby cheez-it."  So we responded that he is everywhere.  Jonah seemed content with that answer.  An innocent mind blind to the thought of death seems almost unfair.  In some ways, we all wished we could be shielded from this event, our feelings, and the days to come; we all wanted to be that young and innocent little boy if only for a moment.  We all wanted to forget about our worries and thoughts just to be content.  In other ways, we needed to push through it and move on.  The only thing left to do is stay strong and that seems like the hardest part.           

Strength

With each passing day, it gets worse.

 With each new worry, it draws nearer.

 When will it end? When will love be the only thing we have?

The thought of it can make one sick.

The anxiety is a killer.

 Love may be powerful.

 Love may be eternal.

But love won't save the day.

With each new scary thought, the heart pounds.

With each update of news, the stomach sinks.

When will it end? Will love be enough?

The thoughts of death can make one ill.

The future seems paralyzing. 

Emotions may be strong.

Emotions may be forceful.

But emotions won't last forever.

With each hug from a family member, strength grows.

With each statement of "I love you," spirits rise.

When will it end? Will love grow stronger?

The thoughts of life are daunting. 

The days grow longer.

Love may grow.

Love may stumble.

But in the hearts of family, love will prosper.

Lazy Saturday Full of Wonder

As I sit in my room at home this weekend, there are so many thoughts flying around in my head.  Trying to come up with a few design schemes for monday is consistantly interrupted by worries.  I'm worrying about school, about my family, about time in general.  As you all should know by now, worrying is kind of my specialty.  While this weekend should be about celebration, the multiple birthday's are kind of put on the back burner while worrying about sickness is the main act.  As I've said before, there's a lot going on.  I'm trying to stay focused on the positive while attempting to focus on my work.  I'm definately not complaining about my life, I'm just contemplating what seems so unfair.  All of these recent events have made me realize how lucky I am while making me realize that worrying about the placement of walls or program spaces or transitions on a floorplan are not worth it when compared to the bigger picture.  As I sit here on my bed in a pool of trace paper and pencils, as the sun is slowly setting, I can't help but wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Should I wonder if my drawings will be enough or if my family will gain the will power to move on to another day?  There's really no competition.

Design Frustration

Analysis may be important like that of the site, program, concept, lighting, materiality, spatial transitions, etc.  The list can go on and on.  I've reached a point where I do not have a clue of what else to produce.  Diagram after diagram on board after board.  When does it end?  Should I make study models as space fillers?  I don't want to repeat anything but I feel like I don't have enough.  With the first presentation of the semester tomorrow, I hope to start off on the right foot.  The fact that I've already gotten stuck is not such a good sign.  I have my concept down.  I have a solid program.  I have a perfect site.  The only thing I'm missing is the mindset to focus and produce something.  Granted, I've went through an entire pad of trace paper creating diagrams and concept sketches but in the end only a select few seem relevant.  As the thought of presenting tomorrow ways heavy on my shoulders, I'll give you a sneak peek of what I have:

Thesis Statement:

To create new definitions of spatial transitions, mobility, and flexibility through exploring spatial outcomes and needs for the physically disabled in making a gathering activity hub for children.

Concept: 

When thinking of children, play, and activity, one thing that comes to mind is a playground.  It is a symbol of childhood play.  However, most physically disabled children can not utilize everything a playground has to offer.  So my concept is to adapt the idea of a playground and translate it into a spatial activity landscape. 

Program applied to a Playground

Playground = Activity Landscape